- I'm back from lunch. - Where's mine?
I thought you said you don't like to eat...
'cause you said food makes you really...
- crazy. - This makes me really crazy!
Give me some fries, boy.
This is Carl. Leave a message or leave me alone.
Either way, I don't care.
Unless this is Mom, in which case, Happy Mother's Day.
Hey, buddy, how's it going?
I just happened to check the pH levels in your pool...
and they are incredibly high. Not good.
Fix it or I'm getting a lawyer. Okay, bye.
- Did you ask him? - What'd he say?
- It's cool. We're all good. - Hell, yeah.
- Hey, buddy. - You were home the whole time?
He don't ever leave the house. He's one of them shut-offs.
Shutout. Wait, what the hell's he called?
- It's a shut-up. - Yeah, it's a shut-up.
I never thought you'd screen with me.
I was just lighting the grill, waiting for you guys to come over...
have a little barbecue, a little beer.
- You know I love you guys. - Carl, you all right?
- You're acting strange. - No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. - Come on. Race over here.
- Last one in is a rotten egg. - Shake's a rotten egg!
- Boy, that feels hot. - Come on, why'd you stop?
- Keep coming. You're so close. - Yeah, come on.
- No, Meatwad, don't! - What?
Wait for it.
Good, it works. You try doing that with your body now.
- Okay. - No, Meatwad, stop!
Carl, top shelf.
Not the high-end model, but it works for you and your income bracket.
But don't worry. I'm not gonna tell anybody how cheap you are.
Yeah, come closer, Shake man. You won't tell anybody anything.
- Ever again. - Damn, that thing is bright.
It better be bright. The dude guaranteed me you can see it from space.
D.P., that dude totally cut you off, man. Flip him some birdage, bigtime!
Suck on that, padre. You messed with the wrong frat.
- He knows. Yeah, you! - There's no one in there, dude.
- Well, my dad totally owns a dealership. - What's that over there?
- Sweet. Floor it, dude. - What do you think I've been doing?
I thought we was gonna take turns on this.
How come I'm still in the hole and you're still...
Is that The Jeffersons?
- No, we traded turns, remember? - No.
You traded one of your turns for three of my turns...
- and a turn to be named later. - I'll tell you this.
I'll be pissed if I get over there and he ain't changed the pH in our pool.
I'm with you on that one.
Carl, if you wouldn't mind...
could you please turn your security grid the... off...
so I can get some sleep?
Hang on, let me think.
No.
Dude, you want to move your thing? You almost killed us.
Are you begging me instead...
to mess up your pizza face in front of your girlfriend there?
- Because I'll do it. - It's not worth it, dude!
Look at my ship, man! My dad's gonna be pissed.
Do you know who his dad is? He's totally rich.
He will totally hook you up, dude. We're drunk.
Are these friends of yours?
- Where's the club? I need to piss. - They came from space, you know.
Typically, that means you're somehow connected.
I've never seen them before in my life.
So then you don't mind if I talk to her?
Her? Yeah, knock yourself out. She's a regular ho bag.
What's up, little lady?
- She's got a bit of a 'stache. - She's good to go.
My dad's totally rich. We own this dealership. What sorority are you in?
Excuse me? I think you might have me confused with a woman.
- She burned you, dude! - So you couldn't get into a sorority?
- I'm a man, all right? - This is beat. Total sausage party.
I think. But we're out of here. Come on, D.P. Let's go.
What else is open, besides your mouth when you're kissing on some gay dude...
and holding his muscles 'cause his arms are wrapped around you...
and you feel so safe, 'cause you're, like... Not that you're gay or nothing.
But, God, you just want to bury yourself in his chest...
and just live there forever?
I'm out of here.
Dude and the "P," come on. I got the munchies.
- Hang on. What's your name, babe? - I'm Shake.
You want to take me to your dorm room for a drink or something?
No, but I believe this little lady needs to have a life experience.
- Come here. - What you doing? Don't kiss me!
- It's cool. I got rubbers. What? - No, get away!
- You stay outside. You're scaring me. - Rejected!
I said, drink all of it, ass head!
Lap it up, ass head, or you're never getting in.
- Pledge! - Come on, pledge. Drink up.
Come on, let's go back to the house. I need to eat.
No, this girl totally wants me.
Dude, forget it. She was sporting some major LB's.
It's like a moped. Fun to ride until your friends see you.
Stop doing that. Don't knock on this window.
How about we have a panty raid?
- Okay, good. Throw on up there and then... - Cool. See you tomorrow.
Is he still out there?
I ain't gonna find out. That old boy tried to kiss me.
You know what that means, don't you?
Somebody's a little bi-curious.
I ain't no bi-curious. I'm a man's man.
Not anymore. I've planted the seed of doubt!
You don't say that. I'm a man!
And if y'all need me, I'm gonna be in the garage.
Hanging Sheetrock, rounding edges...
Look at the way he rolls.
- Where's my chewing tobacco? - Just like a woman.
- What? - Wake up, frat boy.
I hate to do this, but I'm gonna have to ask you to get off my lawn.
Man. What time is it?
It's 1:00 p. m.
- Wake and bake, dude. Are you Holden? - No.
- Did William Holden come to the party? - No.
- You got Holden Caulfield in there? - No, we don't do that here.
You know where my...
- What is this? - This is New Jersey.
- Planet Earth? - Yeah, where's my bro?
- He left you here. - How did my probe...
- Man, look at my probe. - Yeah, I know.
You stuck it in that laser because you thought it was some girl's breast.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I am.
- The party probe. - Brother.
- Did I feel her up, dude? - It was a laser.
Busted.
Okay, it's time for you to go.
Seriously? You don't want to play hacky sack?
- No, I don't. - D.P. What's up?
You were so wasted last night. It was sick.
- You know it, bro. - Here you go, dude.
- Breakfast of champions. - Sweet. Want to shotgun?
- Beam me up. Let's go! - Shake, what are you doing?
Yo, D.P., this GDI wants to know what I'm doing.
What should I tell him? That we're gonna kick his ass?
I'll go and get you a ride, 'cause I want you off my lawn.
- This is your ID? - What are you, a cop?
- Yeah, that's me. - You know, you have to tell me if you are.
I'll just type in your coordinates and send you back...
to Carnivorous Howling Stump Monster planet.
- Good thing you're an organ donor. - Look, I just use that to get into bars.
Okay, then what's your real name?
Bros call me D.P. Short for Donkey Puncher.
- Get it? - Yeah, I do.
Sometimes I'm Donkey Puncharello or D. to the P.
- Or Big D.P. - Dude's a player!
- Or King Donko of Punchstanium. - Dude, party!
No, I need your real name. What your mother calls you.
You know what? Just try "D.P."
"Dude Pal". That's what you should be.
Because you're my dude, pal!
- Your buddy here is giving me a rash. - He usually doesn't drink this much.
- I out party you. - Shake, will you sit down?
P.D., I know how to throw down.
Dude. And I almost said "throw up," but I didn't.
I hold my booze!
- This is beer number two for him, right? - I hold boobs all day, too.
What's your fraternity brother's name?
Zarnold Quigley, born in South End, New Quasar, major in Business.
Okay, that's enough. AII I need is his name.
I had to know all that or they'd have killed me in Hell Week.
- I feel floaty. - We're connecting with the satellite now.
Wait a couple of hours. He won't be up right now.
Dude, show him that sweet lung tat you got.
Wait till you see this. This is so awesome.
Had to do it on the inside or my dad would kill me.
I had to get wasted, 'cause it hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat.
That's so gross, and I am so getting one of those.
I want to be a part of you. I wish we could sew ourselves together.
Dude, get off my shirt. It's worth more than your ass.
- My dad owns a dealership. - Hello. Is this Zarnold?
Call me Skeeter. You're blowing my rep, lady. In the house.
Okay, look, Skeeter.
I have your frat brother here, and he needs to be picked up now.
Are you serious?
- Is that a problem, or... - Well, it's like...
- It's like what? - You know...
- I mean, it's so far. - Yeah, I know.
I mean, could you... I mean, if you were cool...
You're cool, right?
If you're looking at me, I'm cool. Is that Skeeter?
Skeeter, did you score last night?
Okay, look, would you totally...
Maybe, you know, sort of, like...
- Give him a ride? - Sweet. Thanks, dude.
Wait. Hello?
I can chill out a bit. I've already flunked out, but it's cool.
I'll work at my dad's dealership. My dad owns this dealership.
I know.
His daddy owns a dealership. Damn, y'all!
Sweet. How do I get in?
You don't. I'll just strap you to the nose cone.
Convertible. Awesome. Wait, hang on.
Did you see a little naked dude out in the street anywhere?
- Yeah, I think he's dead. - Are you serious?
- When he wakes up, make him drink. - D.P., where are you going?
- Light it quick. - Okay.
That's a sweet ride.
Those guys are solid dudes. I am totally rushing them in the fall.
What was that noise? Like I give a bull crap.
I'm a man, boy. I'm macho. I ain't no bi-curious.
As far as that, how come my muscles be all big...
and wearing this spandex?
Right. You're full-blown gay.
And that's why I said you could not buy the roller skates.
What happened to the window?